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sir_quirky_k (

sir_quirky_k) wrote,
@ 2007-08-17 17:29:00

Not quite sure how to blog about this
I am honestly feeling in a state of limbo. Activities that normally interest me suddenly aren't - I haven't picked up Alice since returning from Southampton, to take one example - and I genuinely do not quite have a sense of belonging or purpose.

I've shut myself away from the family, out of what I think is paranoia; I'm so petrified of losing my new-found independence that any conversation with those who did have me under my wing makes me nervous. Just in case... I can't pin it down...

...and then I was reminded that it was me, and not my family, who prevented me going to university. I lied to friends about it at the time, and over time it became an established truth. The reality, as I was reminded yesterday, was that I had internalised limited misgivings that Mum had expressed as being fierce opposition, these merged into my own fears about university, and the result was a wasted year that dissolved into bitterness.

And the regrets are striking back again...

I am genuinely unsure about what to do now. This fear is not going away, the crash from the euphoria of EUC07 has not been followed by any real recovery, and I feel my life is just ticking down to October...

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Feet of clay

daweaver
2007-08-19 10:04 am UTC (link)

What's done is done. Water under the bridge, and all that. It would be difficult to argue that delaying your undergraduate years was a bad thing, for you used the years to gain focus, and consider your strengths and weaknesses.

I would suggest that you have a chat with someone who has a firmer grip on psychology than myself, for it would be wrong to give you advice that leads you down the wrong path.

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Re: Feet of clay

sir_quirky_k
2007-08-19 12:36 pm UTC (link)

Entirely understood. Perhaps a certain bitterness has re-emerged in the summer; independence is intoxicating when attained for the first time, and I'm terrified of losing any of it.

Having to write two essays over the summer, with no ability to find the set texts for that module here in Weymouth, in order to make the change to Econ/Pol... that hasn't helped, because it was necessitated by choosing a calculus module ill-suited to me, and that's one regret, which is possibly framing my mind such that I end up regretting other actions? (I'm going to sound like a cautious punter at the Bad Shirt Casino under duress from the floor manager at this rate...)

I most certainly will. I'm having conversations with a fellow Aspie who seems to understand the way I'm feeling, has a reasonable grasp of psychology and expresses it in an interesting manner, and has an excellent logical pattern. (Cross-ref from earlier: this is the same person who suggested the modification to my utility curve to base it upon comfort.)

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