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sir_quirky_k (

sir_quirky_k) wrote,
@ 2008-01-27 21:33:00

Finally we're back in business!
Lawks, that outage was more than long enough.

Three exams done, I've no idea how well I've done in them and that uncertainty is the worst thing. Two of them have been blatantly simplified - one being reduced to covering just 40% of the course in the essay choices and announcing this in advance thus meaning 60% of the course was for nearly nothing (in fairness, it was the final part of the course, the areas that weren't covered in any possible coursework essay), the other has already been mentioned. Great, that means I'll scale down my marks dramatically regardless of what they are and then judge on those marks.

My self-esteem crisis seems to be threatening to plumb new depths. Enthusiasm seems to be entirely confined to my radio and my writing. Dreams of a career in radio are suddenly starting to grow quite significantly; the pipedream of sports commentary may fall foul of my sensory difficulties, alas. I genuinely am starting to wonder if this university lark is worth it. That, twelve months ago, was about as unthinkable as a Division VI (S) side leading away from home to one of the four elite teams in the country. (Oh.)

Last exam Monday morning. Then it's a week off, during which time I am going to be frantically composing. Probably with specific goals from time to time - might help. And here's one, given my long-term goal; writing a series of melodies of possibly varying duration, which could be used as recurring motifs for the musical. And perhaps then find ways to string them together.

To tie these two threads together; I can only judge from the songs, for I have not seen the show, but from that alone I can fairly safely judge that I relate to Elphaba more than any other character in any form of fiction I have ever encountered. Granted, that's not a huge amount of competition, but the bar has been set very high indeed. I can't put it any better than I did to NI in electronic communication last week, so I shan't try:

I've gone from realising I have a certain talent and could and should use it (The Wizard and I), having to fight and fight against my well-meaning but constraining family to get my chance (Defying Gravity), being overwhelmed when it actually happened (Thank Goodness), then falling apart and now finally realising maybe I'm not who I thought I was (For Good).

Of course, the omissions are interesting enough in themselves. I don't think I've acquired the malevolent streak implied in No Good Deed (yet...), and I will never acquire the desire implied in As Long As You're Mine. But the more general character arc - of a successful fight for freedom gone somewhat awry - is resonating like no other story I've ever encountered.

It is very rare for me to cry. Listening to Idina Menzel as Elphaba does the trick at least every other time. There was no choral rehearsal tonight, so it'll be another week before I discover if actually singing For Good in a choir retains its 100% record of making me cry...

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No pun like today's

daweaver
2008-01-31 08:07 pm UTC (link)

Three exams done, I've no idea how well I've done in them and that uncertainty is the worst thing.

Remember how there was a three-month gap between sitting GCSE examination papers and finding that you'd passed? Don't want that again.

Two of them have been blatantly simplified - one being reduced to covering just 40% of the course in the essay choices and announcing this in advance thus meaning 60% of the course was for nearly nothing (in fairness, it was the final part of the course, the areas that weren't covered in any possible coursework essay)

Whoa, whoa, and again I say whoa. From what you're saying, the course is structured like this:

Lectures 1-9: part A
Coursework essay based on part A
Lectures 10-18: part B, building on part A
Coursework essay based on part B
Lectures 19-30: part C, building on part B
Terminal examination based on part C

If Jack Skiver missed every other lecture during part B, then it will show in his coursework essay, and from not understanding the work in part C. The early work was a prerequisite to understand the last part of the course, and is being tested in the terminal exam.

My self-esteem crisis seems to be threatening to plumb new depths. Enthusiasm seems to be entirely confined to my radio and my writing.

Now, is this a reaction to Examination Season, which has now ended (hurrah!), or to the pretty dismal weather we've been experiencing all winter, or to a general cultural malaise, or does it stem from something more internal? Consult amongst the people you see on a daily basis.

about as unthinkable as a Division VI (S) side leading away from home to one of the four elite teams in the country. (Oh.)

Yes, particularly as Manchester United lost their cup match away from home back in October.

Readers are cautioned that the next paragraph exceeds the pun limit.

The more general character arc - of a successful fight for freedom gone somewhat awry - is resonating like no other story I've ever encountered.

...and then along comes Dorothy Bush who has been duped by the single-minded but ultimately weaker than he looks wizard (SPOILER! Oh.) Oz Chainey into believing that Elphaba is able to deploy weapons of munchkin destruction within 45 lines. Dorothy authorises some Allied Housing bombing. What's she going to look like with a chimney on her? Ill. Probably down with the flue.

I'll get me coat.

Seriously, though, it is A Good Thing that you can see yourself reflected in a literary character. And that you can ask yourself: what is freedom? What is it you're chafing against? What was your mother doing to annoy you so?

Back on the literary level, it's clear to see Holzman's influence in the character development of Elphaba. This particular correspondent sees broad parallels with Angela in My So-Called Life (see posts passim ad infinitum). Readers who are clever, or very, very lucky, may be able to see an episode through streaming media via the ABSuck website. (ABC and Go javascript required, may be geo-limited, no promises about anything.)

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There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more

sir_quirky_k
2008-02-01 01:39 am UTC (link)

Close. There were five vaguely distinct sections; the amount that each one built on its predecessors was not abundantly clear, which probably means it's somewhere between zero and what it should have been. There was one coursework essay, from a choice of topics on the first three sections.

The general point, about querying whether this really made the paper easier, stands. I shall wait until the mark distribution is known before passing judgement. If the exam really is easier, this will show in the distribution.

(More generally; might it be that I expect an equivalent of grade inflation to be worse at the university level, because marking is decentralised and the market for universities is reasonably describable as an example of monopolistic competition, and one where price competition was forbidden until 2006 and is still effectively non-existent, ergo non-price competition, and high pass rates are used as such. Note also that in the failed colonies, where universities really do operate on free-market principles, there is a pattern of improving marks that's even more long-standing than the same pattern at A-level here. The site does partly blame the free market effectively commodifying degrees; I am increasingly uncertain that the UK is not heading along this path.

It's not the weather, the weather at this time of year seems to (from what I can tell) be a case of 'dry or not-freezing. Pick one.' - and I will pick the latter, and we've mostly had the latter. With that and the cool summer, I'm on quite a roll.

Now watch as we get a canicule before I'm north of the Five Counties Line again...

That puntastic paragraph made me smile greatly. As for the serious general point; yes. Initially it was the ability to just act autonomously. My mother actually didn't outright stop me, and went as far as to emphasise that, but merely put quite significant pressure on me over the previous months, which eventually made me snap. In retrospect, this explains the magnitude of my despair at Noel's Gambling Party and its eponymous host; contestants on that show make life-changing decisions under quite substantial duress to play by the rules of someone else's game, and that is precisely what I have done. See also; former contestant admits some will act out of character, but does not draw the obvious conclusion.

Now, there is a more diffuse and complex situation. I've gained autonomy, I've changed in unlikely ways; regardless of what happens now, this university experience will be with me like a handprint on my heart. However, confidence generally is still low. It doesn't help that I throw myself into pursuits and then end up being pushed back by one thing or the other: stagecraft? Opportunities greatly restricted by first cliques and then my hypersensitivity. Sports commentary? Well, probably ditto; crowd volumes can reach levels I would consider terrifying. Musical theatre? Well, I'm not good enough as a performer anyway, but the sensory issues would kick in there even if I was.

Which links on to where I was before. It's not that I don't have the opportunity to try anymore. It's that I'm trying and failing. I still feel like an imposter with my composition, owing to my lack of arranging ability; mentioned this to Lyndsay, and she pointed out it's certainly musical theatre convention at least for there to be a separate arranger (or more often, arrangers plural; Wicked, for instance, lists two separate arrangers - Stephen Oremus, who doubled as musical director for the Broadway run, and Alex Lacamoire - in addition to orchestrator William David Brohn).

But it still hurts - no doubt because of my control issues, which in turn relate to the prior family issues - to realise I'm limited, and I just look at those who can do all I couldn't do. (But maybe will in the future? An unlikely sign in a lyrical quirk, there.)

This place has come into my life for a reason, and has indeed bought me some things I must learn. Not all of which appear on the lecturers' PowerPoint slides.

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Re: There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more

daweaver
2008-02-05 06:11 pm UTC (link)

I shall wait until the mark distribution is known before passing judgement. If the exam really is easier, this will show in the distribution.

A wise move.

The site does partly blame the free market effectively commodifying degrees; I am increasingly uncertain that the UK is not heading along this path.

The problem is that a degree has traditionally honed skills related to independence of thought, ability to research and sift and judge information. Too many people - and the problem seems to start at the top of the education tree, with some of the senior civil servants in the DeptEdSci - is that a degree is seen as an extended A-level, for which people can regurgitate information and get a decent mark. Nowhere in the state education system seems to be teaching thinking skills. (See previous post.)

It's not that I don't have the opportunity to try anymore. It's that I'm trying and failing.

I would define a failure as something one sets out to do without fully committing to it, and from which you learn nothing that you didn't already think to be true. At the risk of sounding like Peter Jones (3) from Tycoon, these are not failures, these are opportunities to take feedback.

It still hurts - no doubt because of my control issues, which in turn relate to the prior family issues - to realise I'm limited, and I just look at those who can do all I couldn't do.

We all have our limitations, and to realise them, we've all had to be disappointed. Every last one of us.

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Re: There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more

sir_quirky_k
2008-02-05 06:51 pm UTC (link)

The problem is that a degree has traditionally honed skills related to independence of thought, ability to research and sift and judge information.

All of which has been sacrificed in the rush to get a majority of my generation to university, and the internal market produced can't help either.

I would define a failure as something one sets out to do without fully committing to it, and from which you learn nothing that you didn't already think to be true.

In which case neither of the vaguely awkward splits from my singing teachers - and in fact, I was in very amicable electronic communication with Gemma, out of the blue, a few days ago - have done that. From Gemma, I have learned that there are certain complexities in my voice, perhaps oversimplified by Gemma herself; from Shylo, I realised that actually maybe I'm more suited to the classical approach than I ever knew.

Helen's a classical singer, but is also involved in musical theatre to at least some extent if memory serves. More pertinently she has implied, at the least, a non-zero disdain for pigeonholing. This might just be the best of all worlds. In retrospect, Chris might have been too, but Helen will hopefully provide much the same at a lower price.

We all have our limitations, and to realise them, we've all had to be disappointed. Every last one of us.

And in my case, it perhaps hurts even more, when I have such aspirations and scuh a desire to do what I reasonably can, only to find this maybe is not that much.

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Re: There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more
daweaver
2008-02-07 06:23 pm UTC (link)

The problem is that a degree has traditionally honed skills related to independence of thought, ability to research and sift and judge information.

All of which has been sacrificed in the rush to get a majority of my generation to university, and the internal market produced can't help either.

Well, yes and no and a rather large dollop of maybe. It's clear that the technocrats behind this 50% degree rate scheme believe that half the population can pass a degree. I would query the exact figure, but it's certainly closer to that than the 5% who achieved a degree half a century ago.

What does a degree teach? From an established institution, you're not going to get a degree without some ability to think for yourself, to take responsibility for your studies. From a former polytechnic, it's still necessary to put in a lot of effort, even if you can get somewhere by mindless parrotting.

It is almost impossible for a non-specialist to determine the difficulty of such inventions as the Higher National Diploma, and I suspect that the awarding bodies are playing on that opacity to their advantage. I've not seen the syllabus for a pure maths HND (don't even know if one exists) and compared it against my second-year undergrad course.

I've not got enough experience of the university market you mention to form a fully-rounded view. This is why I'll never make a politician: the inability to spout about subjects I know nothing about.

And in my case, it perhaps hurts even more, when I have such aspirations and such a desire to do what I reasonably can, only to find this maybe is not that much.

Yet when you look back, you find that you do have a voice that puts you above bad karaoke singers like this correspondent. And compositional abilities better than some people we could mention. And a native understanding of applied economics that would put Tim Harford to shame (fair-deal measure? Stroke of genius).

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Re: There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more

sir_quirky_k
2008-02-07 07:20 pm UTC (link)

It is almost impossible for a non-specialist to determine the difficulty of such inventions as the Higher National Diploma, and I suspect that the awarding bodies are playing on that opacity to their advantage.

That seems a pretty sound assumption.

I've not got enough experience of the university market you mention to form a fully-rounded view.

My experience is recent, but not that extensive, and I'm judging mostly from a couple of data sources, some first-hand experience (which, as seen in this very thread, I sometimes judge a bit harshly) and a certain expectation trend. It well may be - word order deliberate, there, and our choir always sings it the other way round - that this is more a pattern for the future than the present, something to avoid rather than something we have. Yes, I am thinking ahead to the next fees review.

Yet when you look back, you find that you do have a voice that puts you above bad karaoke singers like this correspondent.

Understandable, but I cannot help but compare myself to others around me. Which include such talents as NI, VR, CE and others I have not referred to. But of course...

And compositional abilities better than some people we could mention.

You couldn't possibly be referring to a certain musical theatre specialist with a double-barrelled name, could you? My problem here is that I'm not self-sufficient as a composer. Then again, this is only crippling so long as I have no prospective collaborators.

And a native understanding of applied economics that would put Tim Harford to shame (fair-deal measure? Stroke of genius).

It's still scary, two-and-a-bit years down the line, that this is still used as a statistical benchmark by commentators. Though nowhere near as scary as the presenter's non-valuation of money.

(Can we have a Winton-Edmonds host swap? Winton would be a much better fit for DEAL than IN IT, Edmonds would be a much better fit for anything without a risk-reward element than anything with one.)

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Re: There are four references to Schwarz's lyrics in this comment. It could easily have been more

daweaver
2008-02-09 09:37 am UTC (link)

It's still scary, two-and-a-bit years down the line, that this is still used as a statistical benchmark by commentators. Though nowhere near as scary as the presenter's non-valuation of money.

That it's lasted clearly says that there's no measurement at obviously good. And the presenter does value money, it's just that he has the decimal point about four places to the left of where us mortals put it.

Can we have a Winton-Edmonds host swap? Winton would be a much better fit for DEAL than IN IT, Edmonds would be a much better fit for anything without a risk-reward element than anything with one.

Actually, I was thinking of swapping Edmonds for the highlights of the French league. You know, the ones that go out at three in the morning.

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